TheResilientLotus

As promised, I’ll briefly be discussing my past experiences.

When I was 10 years old, my dad passed away. My protector was gone. Unfortunately, my mom’s husband’s true self came out after that day. He began sexualizing me and saying inappropriate things to me. I would tell my mom, it was brushed off. What began as him drinking for a few hours a day became drinking 24 7. The things he would say to me became worse and more vile. I would come home from school to him naked and passed out in my bed. He would verbally attack me and tell my mom that I started with him. Every time I told my mom, she also blamed me. It got to the point where my mom’s whole family believed my mom and her husband.. That I was the problem. I was forced to move out as soon as I graduated highschool. I lived in my version of hell until then. I had no one to turn to. I was alone.

I searched for the love that I was not receiving in all the wrong places. That landed me in back to back abusive relationships and teen pregnancy. I learned from a very young age that I have noone but myself and when my kids were born a few years into my teens, now they need me too.  I was broken trying to be everything that they needed. I spent many years in survival mode to cope. Many years of life  not being lived. When I became depressed, sometimes I would fall so deep into the depression that I didn’t think I would get out. But my kids, their smiles and unconditional love, their innocence in all this chaos, helped me see the light this life has to offer. And my children deserved a better version of me. I decided that I needed to heal to give them the best life possible. They were my strength.

I left my ex, the one I have been battling with in court for years, and I created a better life for my children and myself. I foster an environment opposite of the environment I grew up in. There’s love, there’s freedom to express all their feelings, safety, stability, and my protection always. They never come second to anyone or anything. I am their security. I am their home. I am their everything and they are mine.

But depression is not something that goes away completely. There are always remnants of trauma but one can learn to manage it and how to change the direction they are heading. I have never been medicated for it, though I do believe it is necessary in some cases, and I support that. For myself, I focused on gaining mental strength in my own way. I went through much trial and error during my healing process and it took many years before learning how to manage. And though there are guidelines that help manage and improve symptoms, each person must go through their own journey in their own way. Through every trial and error in each individual journey, resilience is built. Resilience builds a new version of yourself that you should be proud of, but with that resilience also comes envy from people who may have harmed you along the way. Those types of people will always want to bring you down. But you are stronger than you think.

Based on my personal experience and that of many others, narcissists do not want you to be successful, loved, or doing better. Which is why my ex continues to take me to and from court. He wants to take my heart, my son. He wants to hurt me in the worst way. Most of the time, I can use the positive coping skills, mental strength, and emotional intelligence that I have developed throughout the years to get through these proceedings. But he never stops trying to bring me down. This continuous battle becomes emotionally, mentally, and physically draining at times. Those are the times where I need to, in a sense, restart a healing process. But this does not mean starting over from the very beginning, that would be retraumatizing. . It is simply starting the process in the present. I know I can build myself back up. I have done this plenty of times. He can’t keep me down. It is only minor setback.

I created this blog to not only get through these trying times, but to also help others struggling in a similar manner get through their trying times. Though it feels lonely sometimes, even for me now, we aren’t alone. Give yourself grace and celebrate the small wins, even if it is getting out of bed, taking a shower, or going outside one day. Healing is possible. It’s in reach.

-Becca