TheResilientLotus

Hi everyone. Yesterday after my first post, I made myself go outside for a bit. The warmth and brightness provided me with a temporary sense of rejuvenation and comfort that I do not experience often. As I sat downtown, I ate one of my favorite foods and absorbed the sunlight, the calmness. It consoled me. As soon as I came home, I had to jump right back into my routine with my kids. I have learned over time how to hold back my tears and disassociate with my negative emotions in front of them, my coping mechanism in order to survive the day to day. Though there have been times where irritability creeped its way out. My kids, they deserve to see me at my best, and that is my only way to show them, for them to see me smiling, playing, laughing. But I know there’s still a darkness inside that will come out as soon as they are asleep. As I lay in my bed, all of the emotions I have pushed deep inside and ignored come rushing out. Those feelings of hopelessness, sadness, uncertainty. My replaying traumatic experiences in my head, what I could have said differently or more detailed in court that day. Wondering what will the judges decision will be and what could I have done so horribly in a past life or current life that I have to continuously be tortured by this man. Wondering why it has not stopped or if he will ever stop. How much longer will I have to deal with this? When will peace finally be felt? I’m drowning. #behindthesmile